This is the continuation of an article that started after I looked 1 year backwards at my Facebook profile just to see how my life had changed. It was initially just a curious experiment to try and see what my SM looked like through the eyes of someone else. What I found out was a bit surprising for me. I learned something about myself, a few somethings actually.
THINGS I LEARNED:
3. I am very quick to forgive. But instead of forgetting I block things out.
I mean that's essentially one of the biggest things I got out of this walk down SM memory lane. OMG remember what was happening daily back then? No. Because you forgave to make things work. But there's a difference between forgetting, where things are let go because they've been resolved and there's no longer a benefit to keep revisiting something that's over. And what I was doing instead which was just simply blocking it out, erasing it into a memory hole then slapping the lid down, latching the door, and ignoring the banging of that scary monster in the closet as long as I could keep that door barricaded. This monster though just doesn't go away.
That's not healthy.
For starters it's not healthy that someone thinks that quick to forgive means they can keep doing the same shit over and over because, "he's quick to forgive". Or essentially there is nothing to worry about if you treat me like crap. I prefer peace over being right, even when I am right because the situation is definitely wrong. It's just that paranoid peace is hardly peaceful. It's damn sickening, physically, emotionally, and it sucked the life right out of me.
After a while I can see the days repeating on my profile and I was watching Bill Murray falling into the same knee deep slush filled pothole again and again.
Ultimately I'm easy to please. No, like seriously, I am. Because I simply don't terribly care for too many protocols and rules based on social norms. Somethings are just about being classy, which if it needs to be mentioned then there's kind of a big problem there. Just say you're sorry, but then own it and do whatever the hell it takes to make sure it doesn't happen again.
That's not complicated, that's just filed under "don't be a jerk".
Because if that pothole doesn't get drained and filled then that's not an apology but a lullaby to put me to sleep. And I wasn't sleeping that well because a paranoid peace is hardly peaceful.
4. I get quiet when I get hurt.
This one was rough. If you're Facebook friends with me you know how silly I can be, or engulfed in tirade at some injustice, or vocal about sticking up for my friends. I'm a talker, I communicate endlessly about endless topics that matter to me. I'm funny as hell, as long as I'm laughing at myself then that's all that matters. Typically there's at least 1 post a day, usually more depending on what's going on in the world, or in my world.
But holy wow at the gaps in my posting. Pure utter silence. Days and sometimes weeks went by without a peep from the singing canary.
Yes. After I found out I was again being cheated on I wanted to erase all memory from my profile because that was it, YOU'RE GONE. Bye Felicia. I deserve better than a cheap trap queen. But these gaps weren't caused by a scrubbing of posts. These were just large spans of time where I was too crushed to be alive. And I remember I did this prior before another major life changing event, my divorce. I went quiet for about 3 months. I barely talked to anyone, and I just watched. I watched and analyzed. People don't realize that I analyze things right down to the minute details. Actually that's how I found concrete evidence that cut through the gaslighting so I could end it. My analysis comes with quiet observation, and when that's happening there's a huge problem. Because typically at the end of it I'm done, out, gone, time to bunker myself from anything else.
And it was happening again but the analysis was cut short by #3 above (blocking things out). It was simply too much and I was already exhausted from paranoid peacefulness.
Hopefully I've learned that this is warning sign for me. The moment I detach from myself, the me that loves to talk to the world and speak loud while doing it, then something isn't right and it's time to pay attention to why I'm bunkering down and what I'm bunkering from. I'm insanely passionate in everything I do. When that flame flickers then there's a problem. It has to be addressed no matter how uncomfortable the monster kicking it way out of that buried closet might seem. It'll never be scarier than knowing I'm not being me.
(Keep an eye out for Part 3, What happened when I looked forward 1 year)